According to a recent poll conducted by YouGov America, only 3% of married couples reported they “never argue.” This statistic tells us something we perhaps already know– it’s completely normal for married couples to fight.
But if those fights are sprinkled with hurtful speech and harmful behaviors that go unresolved, resentment may take over, and couples may even go so far as to contemplate divorce.
But there are many situations like these where couples can learn to work through those painful conflicts and avoid divorce. If there is enough love and effort still reserved for the relationship, there is a good chance that you and your partner can make your marriage work.
If divorce has crossed both of your minds but is not the solution that you are looking for, here are six steps to help you on your path to preventing a potential divorce:
Prepare to put in the work
Marriage is both a union and a job. While you get to reap the benefits of being with the love of your life, you also have to cope with the real aspects of life, such as conflict, arguments, and disagreements. Although things may have been perfect when you first started the marriage, these issues are bound to arise. They serve as a test of whether you and your partner are willing to work together for the betterment of your marriage.
If you and your spouse are ready to take the necessary steps, actions speak louder than words. Both of you should make a solid action plan to set yourselves up for success. In other words, if you and your partner want to rebuild and sustain a loving and supportive marriage, you must let go of excuses and get ready to put everything on the table. Change is only possible when you are putting in the time and the effort, and if you want to avoid divorce, this is typically what it takes.
Hold yourself accountable
When working with your partner to prevent a divorce, keep in mind that beginning with accusatory questions and statements usually makes matters worse. This can instigate an unproductive argument and create further problems.
Instead of pointing the finger, consider approaching your spouse with a sense of self-accountability. By doing so, both you and your partner can see both sides. Placing blame is almost always counterproductive when working on divorce prevention. While working through issues without placing blame, use positive reinforcement during your conversations to ensure your spouse is growing with you without feeling negative about you, themselves, or your marriage.
It may be helpful to remember that if your partner is unable or unwilling to change, it’s not your job to make them. The only thing that you can change to help heal the marriage is yourself, and that is what you should strive to do throughout your attempts to avoid divorce.
Learn to communicate effectively with your partner
Speaking to your spouse negatively and condescendingly fuels the fire of a broken or damaged marriage. This type of communication will likely spur arguments and keep the resentment building until divorce may be the only option you both can foresee. Many individuals will allow their feelings to get the better of them when speaking with their partners, which must be avoided if you wish to mend your relationship. Make sure to keep your tone and language positive and helpful, and seek to enter into every conversation with the intent to listen, understand, and help your significant other.
This can often be the hardest aspect of repairing a relationship, as you may have become accustomed to a certain way of speaking to your partner or may not have learned how to communicate effectively before marrying your spouse. If this is the case, make sure to do the research necessary to learn those skills and help your partner learn those skills to be successful moving forward.
Resolve resentments
If you’re serious about working through your issues with your spouse, old grudges and resentments should be addressed. Holding in resentment for past grievances is a surefire way to continue your marital problems. Make sure to examine your past and pinpoint everything you and your partner are holding against each other. Once you’ve identified these things, you must then learn how to accept them and, if possible, forgive your partner for doing them. Airing out your issues and taking a serious step to forgive will enable you both to move forward, not backward.
Take care of yourself
Working on divorce prevention requires the effort of both people. However, there is nothing wrong with seeking out counseling for yourself and attempting to do your own work on the side that can help you with any issues that may be contributing to the way you interact with your spouse and within your marriage. This is often the hard part for those who have a past that includes some traumatic experiences, but seeking help for mental health issues will ultimately help not only your marriage but your personal life and your future as well. You must be in a state that supports your mental health so you can give everything you can when working with your spouse. By doing that, the progress made alongside your partner will be that much more successful.
Seek out professional help together
Most couples contemplating divorce have a difficult time fixing the problems themselves, which is why so many seek out marriage counseling. Research suggests that nearly 50% of married couples seek marriage counseling at some point in their marriage, with 70% reporting positive experiences.
Bolster and nurture your relationship with a therapist’s help
At its best, marriage is a special bond to be honored, nurtured, and respected. Over time, as life’s stressors and distractions find their way into your married life together, it’s easy to lose sight of the importance of that bond. The propensity that married couples have for taking each other for granted, paired with conflicts and arguments, can damage a marriage to the point that divorce becomes a real consideration.
Despite its benefits, some couples don’t seek counseling. This may be due to scheduling difficulties or poor availability to a professional. Some couples feel uncomfortable discussing the intimate details of their marriage with a therapist in person, or they’re reluctant due to the stigma associated with marital counseling. Still, others assume they can’t afford therapy, or they think that therapy won’t help anyway.
